Kirk's Breakdown
by Depp1987
Summary: Summary inside. I suck at them on here, what can I say LOL!
1. Scratch

**Scratch**

**Rating: PG13**

**Scotty, Spock, and the gang try and heal the broken Captain after the one who loved and believed in him is gone. PS- I cried while writing this! **

He was broken, he wanted to be alone… he never saw this happening, why didn't he grab him or throw himself in the way of that gun? He didn't, he acted like an arrogant, saving Captain… he had nothing to do but to be the hero, the one who saved everyone…

Kirk wanted to be left alone. He had locked his chambers and answered no one. Not Scotty, or the commanders, even Spock. He wanted to be alone, and cry. He had never felt this deep of a loss in his life. this thing, this, pain literally _hurt_. He laid there sobbing, his head hurt he was in such pain. He had failed to save the one that had been there for him, and he had SAVED previously. What had he done?

"Captain," Chekov called, Jim said nothing. He didn't even want to get up. He laid in a ball on the bathroom floor, tears pooling onto it.

"NO!" he shouted from behind the door. He heard leaving footsteps and then Uhurara's voice.

"Kirk, its OK… please just let us talk to you, it's better than being in there alone, come on PLEASE!" he couldn't get up, it was just too much on him. He wanted to be alone with his grief. Its not like she was some stranger he didn't know, she was his best friend's girlfriend.

"I recommend that you open the door, Captain. Otherwise I will use force, and break it down, you cannot be alone in such a fragile, painful state." Spock said, even though his words were emotional, he had none.

"SPOCK! GO AWAY!" he growled. The commander said nothing, and all Kirk heard was a gun being fired at the door's lock.

"Captain, plase…" Spock stood over him, he was almost at the point of tears, Kirk noticed. His eyes were strained, and his hands trembling.

"Jim…" he got on the floor, a few feet away. The Star Fleet captain couldn't take it anymore, he completely cracked into an emotional breakdown in front of Spock.

"I… I… Spock I can…" he couldn't breathe, his lungs weren't taking in any air, and his crying was making it worse. Spock silently took him in his arms, Kirk's face molded into Spocks blue uniform.

"I know, I know," he murmured, walking gently over to the bed, laying them both down. Kirk's face started to twist, and he feels about to black out from the emotional pain.

"I don't… I can't… I…" Spock tightens his hold on him again.

"Shhh, there, there… Its OK, its alright," Spock knew then what to do. He pulled Kirk up onto his shoulder, gently stroking his head.

"I'm gong to take on some of your pain, OK, just relax a minute, Captain. I'm going to take some of this away, its alright, you are not alone Jim." Spock concentrated, and his thoughts merged slowly with his beloved Captain's angsr filled head for his admiral.

"He… Spock… don't…" Spock just responded by stroking his face gently. Slowly the pain lessened, and then small twitching came from Kirk's overwhelmed body.

"Shh, slow down… slow down, shhhh," Kirk lay on his shoulder, nable to move. He was shaking from agony, and emotional turmoil. Spock held him, without judgment or anger.

"I want him back," he said in a tear filled voice. Spock tightened his hold on his best friend. He held him close, their faces touching.

"Shhhh, shhhh, slow down… shhhh, shhh," Kirk relaxed, closing his eyes against Spock, gently nestling into the blue fabric.

_Jim… Jim… Its alright, you did everything right… Nothing could have prevented what happened, buddy. I know you did the right thing… I'm right here, OK. I'm right here… _he had no idea where the voice was, but he was sure he was dreaming it up. He knew he couldn't be in the other world at this point. He turned over in Spock's arms. He felt a light ind blow his hair.

_Shhh, shhh, be a good boy and go to sleep for me. Shhh, you have Spock with you, go to sleep. That's a good boy, that's it… I'm here, I'll always be here… no more tears, I don't want my little buddy to be sad… I'm here and Spock is here, we have you… Tell Spock to rub your cheek, _he felt a cold breeze on his forehead, almost lingering there. then another one brush his hair back. Pike was stroking his head… He lifted his head and realized. Spock gently pushed his head back down again.

"Spock," he said hoarsely, Spock gently puhed him back down.

"He's talking to you Is he not?"

"You…"

"It can happen with such a bond, he loved you, more than you knew… He will always love you, and you him…"

_Jimmy, promise me you will not be hurting forever? I know, I know it hurts… I know that, OK, but please do not let it effect the mission… You know we have others out there Harrison will kill. OK, I love you, I love you so much, little one. You have to be the one who takes him out, let that consume your rage, and you will fight harder… _Kirk's stomach started rumbling, and he started gagging. Spock turned him over and he threw up his stomach lining all over the floor.

"JIM!" McCoy, nd Chekov came running into the room. Bones had a shot of antibiotic and oxygen. Chekov sat on the bed and held him gently while Bones gave him the injection to fight off infection.

"Shhh, shh, I have to give you this Jim… You've been dehydrated for hours… OK, just hold still," he slumped against Spock's shoulder, and didn't even flinch when the needle went in.

"We're here, we're all here for you…" Spock whispered, he was trying to lkeep him distracted and calm, while letting him know he was safe and loved. They all watched him sleep, the three of them gently stroking him, and loving him; no one would ever replace Pike, but he would be there for Jim in the darkest times.

"Thank you," he whispered to his friends, as they all gently caressed him, and put him to sleep.

"You are most welcome. I will never let ou be alone kirk. Ever."


	2. Chapter 2

**Ch. 2**

**Rating: T**

"Spock… Spock…" the commander awoke with a start, Kirk was sleeping against him, his warm body molded into his best friend's side.

"Its OK, he's alright, I'm just gonna take a blood sample, make sure he's not anemic…" Bones said, Spock nodded. Kirk nuzzled his uniform material. He settle down, ready to go back to sleep.

"What is the time?"

"Almost 3 AM…"

"He is restless,"

"I know, he's a hard one to get to go down…" Bones whispered, he took his fingers and checked Kirk's pulse. The erratic motion was startling to him.

"He needs to eat something, you have to wake him… He's going to go into shock with no food." Spock nodded. He hated to wake him.

"Kirk… Kirk…." Spock whispered, gently shaking him. His baby blues opened, and he stared at his best friend in a trance almost.

"Where is he Spock… Where is he? Where's Pike…" Spock bit his lip, and pulled Jim close.

"He's gone, remember… the board room, and the attack, Jim?" he said it gently, softy as to not startle him. Kirk looked at him, almost as if he had no clue.

"I died… I… He…" Bones got down, and took his heart rate again, it was booming.

"Shhhh, shhhh, we know, we're here, we are here, it is all OK…" Bones grabbed an injection, ready to sedate him if he got too upset. Kirk slumped into Spock's arms again, laying on his chest.

"Jim listen to me," Spock whispered into his ear.

"He's not gone… Alright, he is not gone," Kirk looked up at him, bewildered.

"Listen to me, you collapsed.. Do you remember that? When I came in and you were crying before?" Kirk just stared at him. Spock felt tears bin his eyes. Bones sat down near him.

"Kirk, listen to me… You have to save The Enterprise… You have to do it for all of us, please… he would have wanted you to, Pike. He adored you, you know that, please don't forget that." Bones felt the shot in his palm. He was about to hit him up, but couldn't do it. What if he affected his memory, or his focus? God forbid his sense of emotion…

"Dr. please he is in a perilous state, he needs to sleep more, he will be better-"

"OK, Spock I cant guarantee anything… he lost his, his everything, I can't tell you how he'll react."

"Crying, someone was crying… Crying…" Spock turned to him, gently stroking his cheek.

"Yes, yes, that was you… I found you on the floor in the bathroom, you were crying… Shhh, shhh," Spock knew human minds could block out events and then they'd come again in full force.

_Jimmy… Listen to me, you're having a time lapse, you're brain isn't working with everything else… Try and focus on a good memory, and that will bring you back… Please, for me._

They were in the academy, and he was so full of imself when he realized he was good at this… he had a natural ability for it, and he was now so cocky. There was one time when he fell while doing a weapon test, and had slammed hard into the wall. He had hoped no one saw and Pike saw it all.

"Jim… Jim…" he got up, furious, and shrugged it off.

"I'm FINE!" he walked off, and went to the other side, to avoid any further looks. Pike followed him, and wanted to tell him everyone makes mistakes.

"Jim, its no big deal,"

"NO! First the test and now this… it, I…" he sank down and just collapsed into a total mess. He was upset with everything that had happened.

"Look at me, James T. Kirk, you look at me _right now_." He stared up at him, ashamed, and hurt.

"Come here, my little fire ball… Come over here," he felt arms wrap around him, all safe and so warm.

"I HATE Spock!" Pike smiled a bit.

"I know ya do, but Spock doesn't have it easy, son." No one had ever called him that before.

"right…" he didn't believe him, a half human half whatever he was.

"No, he's had it hard like you… You may have a lot in common," Jim's eyes darkened, he nestled further into his trainer's arms.

"he has 2 parents…" he whispered, tears falling. Pike gave him a small kiss on the head.

"Shhh, why do you think I'm here? Spock has not had it easy, and that is why he is how he is." He felt his body get quieter, and the emotions cool off. he was so hard on himself, and so talented.

"Why?" he asked softly, he tightened his hold round Pike. His trainer sighed, stroking his hair with one hand.

"I'll let him tell you,"

"Come on! Please," Pike shook his head.

"No… Its too personal, and if you do become, friends then he will tell you in time."

"I just HATE him! That's not happening," Chris smiled. It was then Jim saw what he meant.

"I have _you_." He looked up at Chris in shock. His teacher smiled, and nodded, rocking him back and forth like a little boy. Tears poured out of his eyes.

"Everything hurts…" he said through tears. Pike knew everything was catching up with him, all thr training and the added pressure.

"Shhhh, shhhh, I know it does… You have to slow down, or this will happen again, and your body's gonna take it harder. There we go, that's my boy, that's it… There's my good boy…" Jim realized that Spock would never have any of this, would never feel love, snuggles, or warmth… he had no idea how to miss someone or hurt or feel anger. He savored Pike's loving touches, he was about to fall asleep in his arms, he let himself. The warmth, the love, all of that Spock would never have… in a way Kurt had a lot on him, he could beat him and he would if he had the chance…

"I love you…" he whispered, nuzzling the soft shirt he was pillowed against. He had never meant or said those words so deeply in his life for any male.

"And I you," he whispered back, holding onto his little one as hard as he could. He acted tough, but deep down there was a scared little boy who needed to be taken care of and loved. The poor thing needed all the TLC he could get…

"Weapons tomorrow, 0600 hours," Kirk nodded, he would never let that happen again.

"Come on… There ya go, thatta a boy…" Bones gently spooned water into his mouth.

"He needs an IV Dr." Spock said softly.

"I know he does, but he's too dehydrated to get a vein…" Bones whispered, he whipped Kirk's mouth, and ran a hand over his blond hair.

"There we go," Bones searched for a vein, and quickly saw a small one under the skin.

"Shhh, shhh, easy does it…" he quickly stuck him, and hoped the vein wouldn't collapse on him, as he put the catheter in. Kirk never moved, just nuzzling Spock's shirt with his nose.

"Please get well for us…" Spock whispered, he knew there was no one else better to do this mission than Kirk. It was what he needed to heal.

"I have out get his vitals stable nd then hell feel better,"

"No, Dr. he will feel better when he slits John Harrison's throat for murdering the one person who was his whole reason for being here, and the only family he never knew before all of us…" Spock had learned a few things about full humans in his time with the Enterprise.

"He needs to drink with the IV Spock, otherwise no one will clear him," Spock nodded, he knew this was true. He gently turned Jim's face to him, gently putting a cold hand to his forehead.

"Captain, please… I implore you drink for me… we cannot attempt flight until you are well. I know emotionally you are hurting but there will be no revenge until you are better," Spock grabbed the water bottle, and put it to his mouth, he hoped this would work.

"Please… do this for us, do it for Admiral Pike, we need you so badly, Jim…." He heard gushhing from the other end of the water bottle, he was finally drinking on his own… Spock gently rubbed his forehead, attempting to sooth the anguish he felt there. he merged with Jim's hurting mind, pulling away the pain he found. He saw the good memories that he had, and hoped that woud be enough to kill the one who stole such a precious thing from his best friend.


	3. Flashback

**Dear Diary**

**Rating: T**

**You guys wanted more, so Im giving you more. Its honestly every deleted scene that I can think of between the two of them, and I DISPISED Spock in ST09! Part of that venom comes out, not gonna lie. **

**This one is about Kirk getting an assignment to write down why he went to the academy, and he considers what to say in the paper. Appearances by: Bones, Pike, and some Spock.**

"Look you cant do that…." Bones said in a shocked voice.

"What the hell am I supposed to say, Bones? That I was beat up and rescued… a pity case, that's really nice for them to hear." Bones just looked away.

"Just do the paper, then worry about it." He could tell Jim was unreachable.

He was alone in the dorm; there was no way to tell this the real way. Instead of doing the paper, he escaped to the weapons room, and hit some targets at the wall. The lasers slammed around, and he hoped to feel better, nothing worked.

What was he doing? There was no way people would appreciate where he came from or what happened. A hand on his shoulder ade hi turn.

"You OK?"

"Fine," Kirk was in no mood for someone to start with him. Pike didnt take the hint.

"Everyone else is out for the day, and your hitting the weapons practice… Your not OK, Kirk." Kirk wanted to run away, but didn't.

"They want the truth about why I came to the academy, what does that have to do with killing Klingons?" Pike smiled, and put an arm around him.

"The more they know, that shows what kind of captain you'll be, they need to know what they're getting."

"What do I say?"

"The truth, son. The truth, you tell them everything…" he squeezed his shoulders. Jim looked away, he was scared.

"I'm so scared…" he whispered, Pike held him gently. Kirk felt tears in his eyes, but they weren't coming.

"No one's done for me what you did…." Pike shushed him, still having him in a gentle hold.

"Then you tell them that…" he responded, looking deep into Jim's eyes.

Jim flopped down on the bed, notebook in hand and attempted to write what he felt… there was nothing there. Bones was somewhere else, and he just wanted to vent to someone without sounding stupid.

_Dear Diary, I have no idea what I'm supposed out do and if I speak the truth then there will be any number of conflicts within… everything. What f I lie and make something? But that's not truthful, but the truth is not the right way to go here. If it is then there is no way of keeping that a secret. Would it be better if I told someone? _

Jim heard talking outside the door, and wanted to scream at them to shut up. He got up in a huff, and saw Bones with a dark haired guy with pointy ears.

"Who was that?" Jim asked.

"I think the brunette you tried to pick up at the bar is dating him, I swear in engineering he stares at her." Jim rolled his eyes. The half human came over to them.

"And whose your friend…" Bones started to reply, and Jim stopped him.

"I have a thing about people knowing my name," he said coolly.

"Don't mind him, he's just trying to get that writing assignment done, and has issues of abandonment coupled with feelings of self-loathing and…"

"Bones shut it!" he turned and sulked. He walked back to his room, he heard footsteps behind him.

"Is that the writng assignment for the acdemy?" Kirk nodded. He felt someone beside him.

"I did not like it either. I did it, but I would have preferred a less personal topic…" Kirk looked up and lifted his eyes towards the Vulcan.

"I… I cant tell the truth… I…" Spock raised an eyebrow.

"They will understand, and it will be slightly… as you humans say, therapeutic…" Kirk looked away. Maybe this guy was right after all.

_Captain Pike saved my neck during a bar fight, and then read my file while they put my nose back together. I didn't know what I wanted, but I never wanted the one thing that stole my dad away. I never knew him and that's all Star Fleets fault. There isn't day that goes by that I'm not grateful for being here, but having a bloodline of such genius is not as wonderful as everyone assumes. I can't go to classes without people looking at me, and I can't practice without the trainers all staring when I screw it up. There is no way I can match what he did, and everyone treating me like a rock star is not helping the situation. _

He typed that last word, and then sent it via electronic to whoever got it. It was done early because he wanted to get it over with. He never wanted to look at it again.

"Very honest stuff…" Bones grinned, trying to be supportive of his best friend.

"is that guy dating her?"

"I have no clue, and hwo cares… we'll never see him again after this is all over."

"Kirk? James T. Kirk," they turned and saw Spock. He looked amazed.

"How.. how…"

"Very honest writing, cadet. I can relate to parts of it, as I know what it is like to…" Kirk turned towards him, and glared.

"NO! YOU think you know! He's dead, dead Spock… OK, ya happy! That's why I walked away from you, OK… so I don't have to tell…" the room was spinning around him and he was about to collapse. There were black dots in his line of vision. He turned away from them and walked away, an open stairwell was the first thing he saw. Bones didn't follow him.

"Oh God.. Oh my God…" his lungs weren't working and he was shaking in a ball on the staircase. Tears streamed out of his eyes. There was no one to… he was alone again. He had not heard the footsteps behind him, gently walking towards him. Pike's form was next to him, and gently sat down.

"I can't… I don't… I…" Pike gently pulled him into a tiht hug, Jim's head on his chest.

"I miss my dad…" in one wave of emotion his body gave out. he was drowning on no air.

"Shhh, shhh, I have you… Shhh, there we go…" Pike took a hand and cupped it.

"I'm gonna put my hand over you mouth, OK, just breathe Jimmy.. Take deep breaths in and out…" he collapsed onto Pike's shoulder, and felt his human life support over his mouth. He listened out everything his beloved mentor said. He closed his eyes, resting comfortably and safe. Pike was the only thing he had here that didn't make him into a spectacle.

"My poor boy, no one will ever know what your going through… and no you have not had it easy." Kirk's breathing slowed down.

"There…. feel better?" he looked into those hurt blue eyes and gently rubbed his blond hair with the other hand.

"Captain…" he heard Bones coming, and then being lifted up, and onto a gurney. His head was spinning, and he was in a state of shock.

"Come on, mask please!" he heard Bones shout to whoever was there. Pike never left his side.

"Jimmy, I'm here, OK I'm right here, we have you.. its OK, shhhh, shhhh, there we go…"

"It's a stress reaction," Bones turned and saw Spock in the doorway.

"And you know that how…"

"He collapsed and had It not been for Captain Pike, well," Bones just rolled his eyes.

"Heart rate's through the roof, and his breathings not good.." Pike leaned over and grabbed Jim's hand.

"We're all here, you're gonna be OK…"

"Has he been upset?" he turned to Bones.

"He's been fine, a bit anxious about the paper but fine." Pike's eyes darkened in anger. Why couldn't thy leave him alone?

"He has a lot to deal with…" Pike watched the monitors as they kept track of everything.

Kirk drifted in and out of sleep. He was so over the top about everything he was not sure what had happened. He only remembered the hallway, and Pike holding him. Everything else was a blur.

"Wha…. Wha…" he was trying to speak but nothing happened. Spock had been taking a shift so Pike could sleep.

"You are sick, cadet. It is just an illness from stress." Spock knew he had to tell him more, and this kid needed at that moment was a friend.

"Jim… I am sorry I upset you before. I do know what you are feeling, I do. As a child I felt the same way, but I learned to shut them out. that is what Vulcans do. Humans do not have that luxury…" Kirk opened his eyes, staring at him.

"You…" Spock lened forward, and nodded.

"yes… that is what I wanted to tell you before." Jim felt a bit guilty. He had known of this guy from Bones and how unemotional he was.

"Spock…." The Vulcan put a gentle hand on his arm, to sooth him.

"I read your paper, and I thought it was admirable, and honest and true. Anything else you would have done yourself and Captain Pike a disservice…" Kirk bonked sleepily, and tapped his fingers on the sheets. He should have felt grateful, but the only one he wanted at that moment was Pike and Pike only. He felt food being spooned into his mouth, and he barely swallowed. He could hear Bones talking to whoever was there. he lso felt the Vulcans gentle eyes on him. When all that was over he felt Pike's head come onto the pillow, and wrap his string arms around him, holding him tight the only love he had.


	4. Chapter 4

**Beam Me Up**

**Rating: T**

Spock was curled up against the bed rail, Bones was asleep on the floor, and there were several doses of injections done over the lats twelve hours. Spock had finally drifted off to sleep after feeding Kirk a few bottles of water.

Kirk opened one eye, his vision adjusted to the mild clouds looming into view, the dark morning shadows were dancing along the walls, the ivory colored walls had a tint of grey to them. The dark colors of the buildings outside created a strange reflection in the light passing through. He felt Spock on his shoulder, wrapped around him like a vein refusing to let him go, he felt an IV needle in his arm, and a bandage where Bones had tried in a poor attempt to access a vein, then there was the deep flesh wound where he had fallen onto the floor two nights earlier. Bones had packed that, and given him an antibiotic to fight off any infection. His head was in a better state, and he was more aware of what had happened since the last time he woke up. Bones slept on the floor, ready to wake if he called in the night, a bad dream or something other.

He felt a strange sense of something he wasn't sure of… he was, in a way, OK, but then again he wasn't, he was in between. Maybe when he got in the ship, and slammed the gears into warp speed. He had an idea that there was more to this than the attack in the board room, and things were going out get a lot worse. There had to be more than what had happened. If there wasn't then there was a good chance to fight harder.

"You re awake," Spock rolled over, and put a gentle hand on his face. Kirk grinned, and held his hand with what strength he had.

"You're here,"

"Of course, why would I not be, you were in a perilous state not too long ago," Spock looked down, he was still shaken from it.

"You know you Vulcans make great pillows…" Kirk nestled further into his lap, breathing in the scent. Spock gave a small smile.

"Look whose up," Bones gently put a hand on his forehead, smiling wide.

"You're fast," Kirk whispered, Bones nodded, he never knew when he got a vein that fast; not even in residency.

"Stay down, I'm not sure if your 100 percent good yet… I'll keep your electrolytes under thumb," Kirk just looked at him, reaching for the other hand.

"Its OK, we're here… we're riht here…" Kirk closed his eyes, feeling the love and caring they had for him to sit with him, and make sure he was OK. As if on cue, memories flooded his mind.

_ "He fell…" he heard Bones's voice near him, and feet running. He was on his side, his face cut up._

_ "Come here, your OK… I'm here," he felt he was lifted up, and the blood spilled onto his shirt._

_ "Jimmy… hold still, its OK.. We have you," all he knew was that it hurt, and stung and he wanted it to stop somehow. _

_ "There we go…" the sting got worse as the bleeding stopped. He lifted his head and realized he was in Pike's arms. He moved to see what happened._

_ "Shhh, shhh, stay here… You'te all bruised up, you little fighter…" then there was more stinging and It felt cold again._

_ "There we go… Feel better?"_

_Jim collapsed onto the bed, and lay there drained. It was so exhausting that as a cadet you never noticed adrenaline kept you going. He was so tired it was like being hit by a truck. _

_ "Are you OK?" _

_ "I…" he didn't want to get up, and he hadn't even noticed he left the door open._

_ "Tired?" he got up, brushing it off._

_ "No… no…"_

_ "Come on you just won a major battle, and have the respect of the entire class, you're exhausted…" he had to be tough and hard, but he couldn't. He collapsed back on the bed, Pike wheeled over and sat down on the bed._

_ "Lay down, you need sleep…" he felt a soft hand brush his head. He never had this bond with anyone._

_ "Spock's got it hard,"_

_ "Now you see what I meant,"_

_ "I feel kinda bad, not really though,"_

_ "Yes you do because you miss people, and fee love and hate… he never will, though he likes you a lot," _

_ "You know that…"_

_ "Yes, he let himself bond with you, and knows you well. I know you hate the idea of that.." _

_ "can… can…" Pike smiled at him, he knew what he wanted._

_ "Want me to rub your head?" _

_ "Please," he asked in a small voice of a child._

_ "Did I tell you how proud I am of you?"_

_ "You have to be proud of everyone…" Pike fingers were so nice on his tired body, he was falling asleep._

_ "you are an example of everything this stands for. James T Kirk, I am very, very, very proud of you." Jim lifted his head and looked at his mentor. Then he gently felt it being pushed onto the sheets again._

_ "Shhhm shhhh… Sleep, my brave little cadet, you need rest, there we go…"he felt him lay down next to him and rub his back, the one thing he loved. He had never been soothed like this and it felt so good, so safe… _

_ "been taking care of you since day one, I never had that with anyone, Jim… You are so special and you don't see it sometimes…" the long fingers made their way around his tired body, soothing the exhausted emotions. he fet his eyes close and he fought to stay awake, and keep this going, to keep this feeling up. _

_ "I don't wanna sleep…" he threw his eyes open again, raging war against his drained body._

_ "Shhhh, you're not gonna be ready for what comes next, you need your rest. Try and close your eyes, and I'll tell you a story about me and your dad." Jim liked that idea, he fet his eyes closing, lost in Pike's gentle stroking and whatever tale he was opening for the young cadet. His sleep deprived body slipped into a trance and he didn't even hear Spock come in._

_"Poor thing..." Pike whispered, stil rubbing him._

_"I am proud of him too Captain,"_

_"I know Spock... I just hope he knows." Spock settled down and gently scratched the ragged blond hair. If Jim wasn't so sleepy he would have tod them both the truth; about the trust issues he had, and ho they shattered his brick walls. how they loved him unconditionally._

_"Jim," he turned, and got down to Pike's height._

_ "You did above and beyond, son… There is no words I have to tell you what you are to this academy," Kirk grinned._

_ "Thank you for everything… You did it," Pike held his hand gently, and smiled._

_ "No, no james T. Kirk, you did it… You and you alone." Kirk wasn't even the least bit humbled, he knew he could, but it was wonderful hearing it from someone he admired._

_ "I'll admit," he got close to his trainer, and leaned into his ear._

_ "There were a couple close calls…"Pike affectionately touched his cheek._

_ "Your dad's smiling down on you today…"Pike whispered, held Jim close. The Captain had never had any kind of loving touch like that before, like a dad._

_ "I'll always be here…" he responded, tears brimmed in Kirk's blue eyes. He didn't blink them away. _

_ "Taking a page from Spock's book is the only way one can become detached and in this profession its not possible," Kirk shook his head slightly, and put an ear against Pike's shoulder._

_ "I… I.. may have saved us, but… Captain you saved me…" the realization hit Kirk in the center like a ton of bricks. Pike looked down and smiled, tears now in his own eyes._

_ "Oh, Jim…." Tears spilled out of the young Captain's eyes as he held the one person he had honest, true love for. The one who would be there for him even when he was a total jerk._

"There we go, shhhh.." he felt warm water running over him, and then voices.

"You're Ok, its all OK…" again more warm water against his bare skin. Was he sitting up or laying down?

"Mmmhhhhmmmm…" he tried out talk but couldn't. Spock gently put a hand on his head to sooth him.

"You are slightly elevated in temperature, Dr thinks it is because of stress… Lay still, we are using warm water to bring your fever down." Spock said quietly, again there was warm water n his bare chest.

"Spock…" the Vulcan heard the alarm in his friend's voice.

"Its alright, just be still and it will be over soon and we can put you back to bed." Kirk was so tired, but he needed to know what happened.

"Pass out…" Bones shook his head.

"No… I assume the spike was cause for the stress reaction and dehydration…" Jim wanted to respond but couldn't he was so tired. He let them bathe him and then he felt Spock wrap him in a towel. He wanted to reach p and help him, but he was too tired. He hit the soft bed and then felt a shirt being pulled onto him, his wet hair gently dried off.

"Shhhh, there we go…" he made a mental note to enjoy this Spock in puppy form. He's never seen it before, and it made him realize how scared his friend was.

"We are here.. I promise, you're not alone, Jim.. he loved you, please remember that, he loved you so very much." Spock gently dried his face off, trying to lull him back into a good, peaceful sleep. Bones took his readings again, as the bath did its thing and cooled him off. He slumped against Spock's chest, he was exhausted.

"I have you, there, there.. We are all here for you, he was taken from you, and the only revenge you will have is murdering his killer…" Spock hated stating the obvious, but he knew his best friend.

"Spock…"

"What…. What is it?"

"I… I need you and Uhura with me. Please Spock, I…" Spock put a finger to his lips, aand held Kirk tight.

"I will… I promise you, you are not alone… We will both be there," Spock gently put his lips to his hair, craving the contact. He loved Jim like sibling, they both needed this; and to see his beloved Captain in pain tore him in pieces.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**Rating: T**

He was wrapped up in Spock's arms, warm and safe. The sun was gone, and Spock was now watching the moon, as it made its way over the night sky. There was the occasional whimper, and small movement, to make sure everyone was still there. Bones had a herd of nurses checking him every two hours. Spock couldn't help but reflect on how he had cared for him, and now the roles were reversed.

When they finally had seen what had gone on, they knew each other had not meant the angry things that were said. He also saw the concern, and true love Kirk had for him in those early days. Those times when he had said "Spock don't go down there!" he had meant that he didn't want anything to happen to him.

"my poor Captain… I have relieved you of much of the pain, but I fear what it has done to you emotionally…" Spock looked as a monitor sang out. there was no alarm, just a small temperature flux.

"He will always be with you, I know it seems impossible to think of that now… but Jim he is here. He's in the sky, and the Enterprise, he's all around you, and he is deep, deep inside your soul… Please know that." Spock felt the arms weak from exhaustion, hold him tighter.

"Hey," Bones came in and looked at the readings. He brushed a hand over the blond hair, and smoothed it over.

"Hey buddy," he cooed into Jim's ear. Spock looked down at their broken friend, and gently pulled the blanket down, not to overheat him.

"Pike…" he murmured sleepily, before falling back into slumber. Spock gently put a hand on his head. In an attempt to sooth the painful feelings.

"Watch out and make sure he doesn't seize," Bones adjusted a few things, and then handed the night nurse a reading.

"What else can we do?" Spock asked in a voice Bones had never heard.

"Let him chill out, see if there is any more emotional changes, and keep his body temperature normal; no Spock, we can love him and be there for him…" Spock took this in before crawling into bed with him.

"Where would he stroke you, Jim…" he tried out a few areas before finding the spot, and watched the face relax. Kirk nuzzled him, and cooed contently.

"thank you, Pike.. Thank you for everything…" Spock's heart split as he saw that his best friend had not totally had the realization hit him that his beloved father, friend, teacher, his everything was gone.

"My… my poor Captain…" Spock felt tears in his eyes. He had not felt such angst except when he lost his mother.

"Jim… Jim he's gone…" Spock whispered, he held him close

"Try putting his ear to your heart…" Bones whispered, they were beyond desperate now.

"Alright," Spock said, he was weary and tired. Nursing his beloved Captain back to health was a full time thing for the last three days.

"Do you hear it… my heart beating?" he whispered, Spock gently stroke the blond hair, dirty from days in bed.

"Sp.. Spock…" came a weak voice. The Vulcan held him close, their faces against each other.

"I am here, I will always be here for you…" he covered Jim's ear with the other hand.

"Stay…'

"Yes, of course I will stay, and Dr. McCoy is here and Chekov and the rest of the crew, we will never leave you…" as if to empathize his point he squeezed Kirk to him.

"Spock…"

"Shhhh, shhhh, hush, you need your rest… No more talk, you must save your strength…" Spock hated to be so firm with him, as he was in a fragile state, but they needed him healthy. Jim cuddled the soft fabric, and memories again flooded back in.

_ "Come on seriously!" Kirk grinned, he was outside with Bones and the crew playing in the rain, the rare time they had off this is what he wanted to do._

_ "Uhh, Captain why run outside when it is wet, do humans not get sick…" Kirk responded by jumping over a bench, and landing on the other side._

_ "I thought you were all sleeping…" Spock turned and saw Pike._

_ "Humans like rain…"_

_ "Well apparently the ones you know do…" he stopped and saw his Captain, soaked, his blond hair drenched, cothes dripping, and the smile on his face, it was something Pike knew he would always treasure._

_ "Spock, stop being a Vulcan and let it go…" Bones called, as Kirk tackled him ontot he wet grass._

_ "This is illogical," Spock shook his head. _

_ "Go ahead, do it for our favorite Captain," he loved seeing his boy so happy. It was something he worked so hard to get._

_ "OK…." Kirk looked up sleepily, and smiled. He was just glad to see him alive, and breathing._

_ "Sooo, you, you crazy, lunatic of a First Officer, what the heck happened once you dropped," Kirk leaned in close, propping himself up on his elbows. They were in the dorm, Bones was working. _

_ "I… I'm so tired…" he tried to whine, but it didn't work._

_ "I know, but what happened?" Pike said gently, he knew the poor thing ad been to hell, and had a few broken ribs, along with a concussion._

_ "We lost Olson, and then Spock had an emotional meltdown. He attempted to retrieve his parents, and Chekov couldn't beam his mom back…" Kirk looked away, in later reflection his heart broke for the Vulcan._

_ "Well… my Acting Captain, you know how that is," Pike leaned down, and put his arm across him._

_ "He snapped, we all forget he's part human…" Kirk looked away, guilt stricken for having hated the Vulcan and thinking him unfeeling._

_ "You took matters into your own hands, and given the crisis… well," Kirk felt long, soft fingers rub his blond hair._

_ "WE had to dump the core after killing Nero. I think I might need blood pressure meds after that…." Pike squeezed him tight, as if to say "You are safe, and sound; I have you."_

_ "Ok, now that is enough for one night…" he sat up, and prepped his chair to leave. Kirk sat up._

_ "Spock says I might be promoted?"_

_ "I know nothing, my brave little cadet…" Pike smiled softly, and gently pushed him back down onto the clouds of blankets._

_ "Do we still hate Spock?" Kirk raised an eyebrow._

_ Uhura told me… he never had a close bond with anyone before me… and that he never found one trainer who…" Kirk felt tears in his blue eyes. Pike leaned down next ro him, and gently cleaned the tears._

_ "Oh.. oh, Jim, why does that make you cry?" Pike had never seen the cadet so moved._

_ "I… I… we wouldn't have been so hard on him, and I…" Pike smiled, and gently rubbed his forehead._

_ "Shhh, now it is time or sleep." they had only just landed three days ago, and Pike kept Jims life quiet so people wouldn't wonder or pry._

_ "Don't leave me…" he sat up, and cacooned himself in Pike's middle. Pike had known Jim was more upset about him being captured than the ship. Spock didn't get that oe want to. He knew that put Jim over the edge._

_ "Shhh, OK, this is a mild panic attack, and my guess some PTSD. Primarily related to me, I know I am your favorite." He smiled down at his student. Jim merely whimpered._

_ "Bones needs to give you something for sleep… I'll let him know, kay.. My poor boy, you're overwhelmed, huh?" he kept his voice gentle, like talking to a wounded deer._

_ "Mocking bird…" he whispered, lost in somewhere between now and past. Then Pike realized._

_ "I think I know that one…" he said gently, and slowly, his voice opened up something in Kirk's center._

_ "Hush little baby, don't say a word…" he knew cadets when they had PTSD, and Kirk was in symptoms now. He also knew when they lost parents how bad it was. Even though the poor thing was exhausted, he was all ears to his yummy lullaby, alert to the comfort, and Pike._

_ "Captain…" Bones whispered, he smiled at the duo, Kirk snuggling in Pike's lap like a little boy scared of the dark._

_ "Shhh, I just got him to go down… He might be restless, so you might need to give him a sedative…" Kirk had his arms around him a death grip, refusing to let go._

_ "You did everything right… You saved us, I am so unbelievably proud of you, Jim." He saw the young Captain smile in his sleep, and it was at that moment that he realized what this little one meant to him._

_ "Watch out for him tonight, I'll be back in the morning." Bones nodded. He gently rubbed Jim's back, caressing his wonderful student that had made him so proud._

_ "He's like a little boy sometims, and others I just…"_

_ "I know" Pike continued his rubbing, and gave him a kiss on the forehead. _

_ "You two need to sort this out…"_

_ "And what will that do?" Kirk jumped over a fake laser, he liked to stay sharp even when he wasn't working._

_ "If I had a fight with say, I'm not sure… your dad. I'd want to fix it." Kirk rasied an eyebrow._

_ "It wasn't a __**fight**__." Kirk said, exasperated that they had to keep talking about this._

_ "What was it?"_

_ "The other Spock gave me instructions and I followed them to a 'T'. It was life and death…" _

_ "That can't be all, buddy boy." Pike looked at him hard. Kirk avoided his gaze._

_ "Talk to him…" Pike said softly. Jim nodded, they needed each other… he hated to admit it._

_ "Spock,"_

_ "Captain," he turned to him. Kirk tried to breath normally._

_ "Jim,"_

_ "What is the matter?" there was alarm in his voice. Kirk tried to stay calm and couldn't. he blurted it all out at once._

"_I'msorryIhatedyouIreallywasjustfollowingtheordersg iventomebytheotherSpockwhoyoudon'tknowandthenhe gave me…" Spock put a hand on his shoulder, he didn't know how else to calm him. _

_ "Jim… did someone hurt you? I have no idea why you are so terrified and agitated, please calm down, its aright." Jim couldn't handle it anymore, he turned and walked away. Pike was wrong, they should have never been friends, or tried._

_ "Jim, please… What is wrong…" his stomach did a one eighty and he wanted to faint. He really cared about him… Jim had never had someone like that, except Bones._

_ "I've never had someone like you, who cared enough to.. I.. I don't know how to tell you this…" Jim felt tears in his blue eyes, they hdnt been back long and he was trying to adjust to everything._

_ "Jim come here," he heard the gentleness in the Vulcan's tone, like he was talking to a puppy. Jim went over to him; Spock did the human thing and put an arm around him._

_ "I am very happy we knew one another at all. Jim I was wrong, I hurt you so many times because I was so used to being right. Logic allows this… I should not have said that about your father… I am so sorry," he wanted Pike or Bones, he didn't want to be so vulnerable. _

_ "Why did you not go to the Science Academy?" Spock answered in honesty._

_ "I was angry about choosing a race.. My father did a lot of harm to me emotionally, and I… I…"_

_ "You told him to go fuck off?"_

_ "Yes, it was something. Mother supported me, but…" Jim squeezed his arm. He was so tired._

_ "I stole my stepdad's car and ran away a lot.. I drank and partied all the time. I left home and never looked back,, and Pike…"_

_ "Was your everything…" Jim looked away, and remembered what Pike had told him about Vulcans and how they never had friends in a human sense._

_ "Don't be mad if I throw up on you… One of those days,"_

_ "Captain, its not an issue I have another uniform," _

_ "Here, lay down," Spock gently guided Kirk's head into his lap. He put two fingers out, and Kirk felt the same thing he did with the other Spock._

_ "I'm sorry,"_

_ "I am sorry too. We both made mistakes…." Spock started gently rubbing his blond hair, Jim curled up like a baby._

_ "If… If I hadn't gone with you theres no way you could've disarmed the drill, and saved Pike. We would never have had the chance to-"a lump was in Kirk's throat._

_ "I know, I cannot afford out lose another human in my life, I already lost one." Kirk looked up at him, in understanding. It was what Pike had said, he had him and Spock was trapped between two worlds, with no one to tell him what to do. Kirk grabbed his hand, and gently held it in his own._

_ "I feel your fear… What are you so afraid of?" Kirk looked away. _

_ "You do not want me to hate you because of all the bad that happened between us. Jim, I do not hate you, you were only there for me. I may not have seen it then, but I did see it, on the pad when we came back, and then again when you outed me, you did it for the safety of the crew, and me; that is not a easy. I was wrong to take on so much," Jim sighed contently, his new Vulcan was now scratching behind his ears. Spock raised an eyebrow, grinning._

_ "Are you part, what are they called here, dogs…" Kirk just squeezed his hand, smiling sleepily._

_ "You two look like a pair of bunnies all curled up in a burrow." Pike smiled, he wheeled over to the pair, Kirk sleeping in the Vulcan's lap._

_ "I am bonding with him, Captain…" Spock looked slightly serious. _

_ "Oh, OK then, I should warn you he hasn't slept in a week, though.." Pike leaned down and rubbed his blond hair. Kirk murmured in discomfort, as if to say "I'm sleeping, get off." _

_ "I promise not to hog him too much," Spock said playfully, raising an eyebrow._

_ "Your friends are more to you when they are on your ship commander, they have a way of communicating better then most," Spock nodded, taking in the lesson he learned from the older Captain. _

_ "Spock.." Jim whispered worriedly in his sleep. Spock wrapped his arms around him to sooth the fear._

_ 'I am here," he whispered gently, trying to make him feel safe._

_ "Spock… Spock…"_

"SPOCK!" Spock sat up with a start, Kirk next to him in hysteria. The Vulcan pulled him into his strong arms, rocking him.

"Shhhh, Jim, shhhh, hush…" he placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, soothingly rubbing his back.

"Spock…" he said through fresh tears falling onto his night shirt.

"Jimmy, please, it is all OK. I am here, and I have been here… shhhh, hush," he laid Jim on his chest again, his heartbeat soothing the scared human.

"Spock tell me again," the Vulcan sighed, he had told him of Pike's death several times and now he was having to again. Jim was like a toddler that had to know the time every five minutes.

"I got down with him, and saw he didn't have much time, what little I was able to meld was a combination of different emotions,"

"Did he say anything about me?" Spock's insides went cold, and he tried to stay together.

"Of course Jim, I saw you in his mind and how proud he has been the last five years, how he loved your father, and how grateful he was to have the time he did with you; which I am sure he has thought a lot, even when you were a reckless cadet I had to throw off the ship…" Jim didn't laugh.


	6. Fall To Pieces

**Fall to Pieces**

**Rating: T**

**Jim goes into crazy mode, and stuff happens LOL! Pike's funeral, along with Jim and Spock's touching moments at Pike's casket, and Jim's vow to his beloved Admiral.**

Bones reconnected the IV that was in Jim's arm. He was as weary as Spock, but it was from the not knowing. Not knowing if he could come out of this and make up for the atrocity that had occurred, not knowing what was going to happen, and not knowing if he would get over this.

Spock was as loyal as a dog keeping tabs on their beloved Captain. He had never seen the Vulcan so scared in his life. He sat with him, talked to him, fed him water, and knew every monitor keeping track of his system. Bones was never that shocked by him, but the reality was that this was serious, and he had to get him better.

Bones leaned against the wall of the hallway, and stared at the duo, Spock curled up next to him, loving him, soothing him if he cried, and just plain being there. He knew that this was bad, and maybe that's why he was so emotional about it.

"Spock," he saw Kirk had woken up, and almost laughed at the sound of his panicked voice.

"Captain… Captain we don't have a puppy…" this time Bones collapsed with laughter. This better have been real and not some induced reaction from the anti seizure meds.

"Jim, Jim, there is no puppy…"

"Yes there IS! It was barking because Spock locked it in the cargo bay after we landed on Delta vega, and he didn't even put a sweater on it," Spock looked at them with that same weird look he gave Pike when he told him he was captain.

"Jim… I'll… I'll…"

"Go get Uhura and have her feed Gonzo." Jim finished, totally serious. He was sitting up in bed with his arms folded.

"Yea, right…"

"Captain… We're not on Delta Vega," Spock reasoned, trying to be serious.

"Spock, why do you think I'm so dehydrated? Because we have limited water, and below zero temps…. Not to mention Uhura has no hat on and she might get sick, and then we're all dead. My lover has a broken thruster and Sulu can't fix it, remember?" Spock nodded and went to Bones who was about to faint from laughing.

"He means the Enterprise," Bones informed looking at Spock's confused face.

"Is this the grieving?"

"No, no its… I'm not sure what?" Bones took another reading, then saw what was happening.

"THERE! 103 fever, I'll go get a hypo," Spock went back to the bed, and sat down. Jim gared at him.

"Tell Bones I need another IV, I wanna get out of here and off this frozen tundra," Spock nodded.

"Spock,"

"Yes Captain," Kirk laid down and turned on his side. Spock leaned down and wrapped him in his arms.

"He's gone…" Spock looked at the ceiling, not wanting to answer this. He would rather remind him 100 times a day.

"Yes, yes… He's gone, Jim." Kirk put his hands under his head.

"Remind me if you Uhura get married; name your kid Chris if it's a boy. And Amanda if it's a girl…"

"I never thought of that…" Spock started gently rubbing his head.

"Me neither, just came to me now…"

"Yes…"

"He is with my dad, and your mom… isn't he?" Kirk turned over and looked at his Vulcan.

"I am sure of it, Jim…"

"I want his pin, can you tell the guys to…"

"Dr. already did," Spock said, still rubbing his hair. It felt so good, so soothing.

"No, now." He said hurridly, Spock nodded and got up. He found McCoy in the hall, with a hypo.

"Dr… he wants Captain Pike's pin.. Now, he says now." Spock said worriedly. He didn't want to put Jim back after days of grief.

"here, just got it from Chekov," Spock nodded, walking with him to their friend.

"Jimmy… We're here," Bones leaned down and held his hand. Spock gently handed him Pike's Star Fleet pin. He saw Chekov, Uhura, and Sulu come in.

"Hey guys," he sat up, with Spock and Bones holding him for added support.

"Jim, your levels are all over the place… I doubt we can…"

"NO! We ARE going! After Pike's funeral, and when I can get hydrated, we can fly, in the Enterprise, nothing else; I want no other ship, I am I clear, Lt." he narrowed his cerulean eyes.

"Yes, sir… Yes," she looked at her boyfriend, he just raised an eyebrow.

Jim pulled on his other shoe, and made sure his shirt was in all the way. He stared in the mirror. He couldn't do this… it was too much for him.

He walked out to the academy's main building, and joined Spock, along with Uhura and Scotty. They all walked in silence, until they reached the edge of one of the other rooms. Jim went in alone this time.

"I wanna see him," the guards nodded, and Jim walked past without a thank you. He pulled a note out of his pocket. He laid his cheek next to Pike's body, pretending he was just sleeping, he wasn't but Jim was lying to himself anyway.

"Pike, I cant do this… I cant… There's so many things that could go wrong, and what if we're hurt in the process… What if I put them all in danger," he whispered, through fresh tears. He didn't want to be a mess during the service, but he could be now.

"Jim," Spock was behind him, with a pair of scissors.

"Thanks, buddy," he took them, and snipped off a piece of his father/mentor's hair, and put it in an uncontaminated case, free of all bacteria. He then took a small picture of his parents, and another one of him with Pike and Spock, taken after Kirk's captain ceremony and put it in his trainer's pocket.

"I can't deal, Admiral… I lost two daddy's, two, not just one… Please, don't be too far away, and tell George and Amanda Spock, and I said hello." Spock pulled him into a tight hug, tears in his brown eyes, Jim's laid his head on his best friend's shoulder, not caring that he would be red eyed and a mess for the service. He put the note in the casket, and took out his Star Fleet pin, and pinned it to the small slab of paper. Pike's was on his uniform.

"I need you… I need you, now…." Jim whispered into the nonliving ear. Spock kept his perch, arms around Jim's shoulder.

"I love you… I love you so much…." He broke down again, collapsing onto the dead body of his second father. Spock wrapped him in his big arms, and held him.

"Shhhhh, shhhhh, I am here… I am here…" the Vulcan purred into his ear, gently pulling him away. Jim couldn't lose it again.

"Come on," Spock said gently, Scotty appeared and took his other arm; Bones and Uhura were outside waiting. Jim was a mess.

"We are here, Captain… We are here for you…" Spock whispered, he cleaned tears from his red face, and smoothed the blond hair.

"Shhhh, Spock has you," Uhura whispered, her brown hair tied up away from her face.

"It will all be alright Jim, we won't leave you," Scotty whispered gently, he squeezed his arm tightly. Spock never felt so protective in his life, he would not let anyone upset their beloved Captain.

Jim was asleep on Spock's shoulder, his t shirt soaked with sweat from being so tired and sick. Spock walked over to the padd laying on the counter, and raed it, he hated to pry but he couldn't help but know that all of Jim's pain was abolished from writing that note.

_I cannot believe I have to be without you. You were my teacher, friend, father and everything in between. You saved my life, and I would have been lost without you, the anger I feel will never be gone. I promise you, Harrison will never murder another person in the Fleet. That bastard took something from me I will never get back. I doubt I'll ever get over this. My children will know what occurred on that day, and you will never be forgotten. Spock and I will name our children (Uhura's cool with this don't worry) Chris, if one is a boy, and Amanda after his mother (another evil death). Please tell my dad I said hi, and make sure he knows I don't leap without looking too much. OK, maybe a little much…_

_ You are the most important person in my life, and losing you almost put me over the edge. But we have five years of memories and love that I will cherish forever, that is all that matters, and those times when I didn't listen were the best! I know you always loved me\, even when we were at odds, and all you did was protect me with everything you had. I couldn't protect you though, and I will never forgive myself for that. I could quit this, but I know that is not what you would want for me. The name od this mission should be How Kirk and Crew Got Closer After Admiral Pike's Death. _

Hearing Kirk murmur in his sleep made him rush over to sooth him once more. He gently enveloped him into a hug, and rocked him some more; all the soothing things Pike would have done.

"Shhhh, shhhh, I am here… I am right here," he took a cloth, and cooled the overheated body off. what if he had not gotten over the illness from before?

"Spock…."

"Yes, Captain?"

"Do you think he would have liked it?" Spock has no idea what he is talking about, was he still delirious?

"What?"

"My letter?" Kirk says, as if he should know what he means. Spock smiles, and puts on a brave face for his Captain.

"He would have loved it, Captain. But I am sure you have told him all those wonderful things in life too."

"Spock?"

"Yes, Captain,"

"Can you close the window, please…" he is about to fall back into slumber again. The breeze from three days ago is brushing his blond hair.

"Jimmy… It is not open…" Spock whispered back. Kirk rolls over, and reaches a hand up; attempting to touch what is not there.

"Here. I know you're here…" he whispers, a waterfall of tears start coming again. The Vulcan puts his arms around his middle,

_I am here, Jimmy. I am right here with you. I will never leave you, even when you are all alone, I will be there OK. _

"Spock I'm gonna be sick…" he leaned over towards the garbage can by the bed.

"Captain are you still-"

"_NO NOW!_" this got the Vulcan moving and he pulled the basket towards Kirk as he vomited up what little food he had at the reception.

"Bile and excessive drinking do not mix," Kirk didn't even reply to that. His head was spinning and he wanted to just sleep, but he couldn't because he was too upset.

"Dr. McCoy!" Spock had his communicator open and was already contacting the doctor.

"No… Spock…" he was too weak to fight with him.

"Shhhh, rest Captain. We are all here for you," a gentle hand was on his blond hair, sweat pouring down his neck.

"Jim!" Bones was coming into the room at a dead run, he had a hypo, and a reader with him.

"Bones I'm fine…." He wasn't but he just wanted out sleep and forget everything.

"OK… judt relax and it'll be over in a minute, kay." He was trying to be gentle, he knew Kirk hated needles.

"Ehhhh!" he hissed and tried to get out of Bones grip, Spock rubbed his forehead softy.

"Hush… it is almost over," the spinning stopped and he blacked out again into a peaceful sleep. He wished his dreams weren't all Pike, but he couldn't help, but have them. They just wouldn't go away.

&&&^^%%%%$

_"Come on!" Kirk called after the others, they were running through the woods behind Star Flet that Kirk had stumbled upon._

_ "Humans are so slow," Spock said, trying to slow down and let everyone catch up._

_ "Spock your so a dead Vulcan…" Kirk took off, and jumped on top of him as the pair rolled down the grassy hill. _

_ "Why do humans," and Jim playfully shoved him onto the grass, he was shocked at first but the wrestling match was fun; mind it he didn't kill Jim._

_ "God you think you're so tough…" Jim rolled off him, and grinned, then was shoved back on the grass in a headlock._

_ "You are the one in the headlock, Captain.." he said mischievously. Jim knew how to settle this one. He reached up, and started tickling the Vulcan, otherwise he would hurt him accidently._

_ "Wow, now this is something you don't read in xenology," he laughed, Vulcans were ticklish. Uhura and Scotty caught up with them, and just laughed. Kirk's communicator went off._

_ "James T. Kirk, where are you?" he panicked, the meeting with Pike, he forgot… he took off the other way, and in ten minutes made it to Pike's quarters._

_ "You look like… why are you all wet?" Pike was sure this was something he didn't want to hear._

_ "Wrestling match on the grass…" he sat down panting. The others were waiting for him._

_ "Mind telling me why you never bothered to tell em you sustained a concussion from falling off the rock wall?" Kirk looked down, he hadn't thought it was that big of a deal._

_ "I didn't know it was a head injury till I vomited all over Spock," he grinned trying to stay cool._

_ "If you EVER do that again, I will personally ground you myself!" Kirk had never seen him so upset, it wasn't Pike._

_ "I… I'm sorry Captain," he honestly didn't know what to say._

_ "Don't you think I was worried sick when I keep leaving you messages and you don't call me back, and I find out from Admiral Wallace you're in sick bay?!" _

_ "I… I'm really sorry…" Kirk said in a small voice, he felt so bad, and this was making him feel worse. The thought of Pike, his second dad fretting over him, like, well, a scared parent was something that hurt him._

_ "Jim, that was a very stupid thing to do, I am responsible for you,"_

_ 'Yes, because I have your girl, I am aware sir." He truly was. Pike cut him off though._

_ "NO JIM! I __**am **__responsible for you! OK, I knew your parents, I was a cadet with your father, and had to bury my best friend on the day my only god-child was born. If I lost you, I don't know what I would do, son. It'd be like losing your father all over again…" the effects of the anti convulsion meds started to kick in, and were making Jim emotional all the time. He started crying right there, out of nowhere._

_ "Hey… Come here," he felt himself being pulled into a strong hug. He was sobbing like crazy, maybe from letting Pike worry and the meds Bones had him on._

_ "Shhh, Jimmy… Its OK, its alright, I'm here… shhh, whats the matter? Hhhmmmm…" _

_ "I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" Pike tightened his grip, kissing him on the head softly rubbing his back. It took seconds for him tp relax in Pike's arms, the one place where he could just be loved._

_ "Shhhh, there we go. I have you…." _

_ "Hows therapy?" he continued rubbing his back softly._

_ "Good… we're onto what happened after dad died, I want you to come with me when I look at the files." _

_ "That's great, Jimmy… I'll be there for you, I'll aways be there for you," Jim let his eyes slide closed and felt Pikes loving touch till he went to sleep._


	7. What No On Saw

**What No One Saw**

**Rating: T**

Everyone saw The Enterprise crew go around Pike's casket. They were all there, in uniform. Spock was behind Kirk, Uhura next to him, and Chekov, Sulu and a few others surrounding . the procession was something out of a ghost movie; no one could say a thing, everyone sobbed.

Kirk's mood was all over the place. If one was sitting behind the Captain, fully decorated with Pike's pin too, he was listless. He would fidget, and put his head on Spock's shoulder, then switch to McCoy's shoulder. Once in a while he would sob and Spock would wrap his arms around him.

"Shhh, shhhh," Spock murmured into his ear. Uhura held his hand from Spock's other side too.

"Its alright… He loved you, Jim. He loved you so, so much…" Bones held his arm, and rubbed the back of his head gently.

At the end, he leaned over and whispered in Bones's ear,

"Can I go on now, and say something to Captain Pike?" he sounded like a little boy who'd been crying for days. Bones put an arm around him, and pulled him close, shushing him gently.

"Sure, at the end Spock and Admiral C thought it'd be nice if the crew went up, and thanked everyone and said goodbye, you can definitely do it then," Bones did his best to smile.

&^&**($&&&*

Kirk approached the mic, Spock holding him for support. What emotions everyone had were amplified when they saw the captain's beloved student, and in a way his only child and God son completely loose it.

"From…. From… the moment I…" Spock pulled the head closer to him.

"Speak up, Jimmy so they can hear you." Spock whispered, he was shaking from crying, with Spock and Bones holding him up, Chekov's hands were on his shoulders gently.

"He was the best father and Captain in the entire world… and I just… want you guys to know that no one will love him like we do… I love you Captain Pike…" he collapsed into Spock's big arms, the Vulcan engulfing him into a hug. Bones put his arms around him too, and the entire crew just hugged and held one another as they cried.

"We… We would like everyone in the Fleet to know we appreciate the support you have given us for being there for our wonderful Captain, and for being there to help in catching this vicious murderer. Thank you." Spock said to the crowd, he half carried Jim towards the back, and in a group they exited out the side door, and into a waiting shuttle.

"Spock, hold him tight… I cant get it in if he moves…" Bones had the hypo in his hand, and Spock's heart brok at having to do this, but they needed to keep Jim calm.

"OK… OK… Shhhh, that's it… here I come…" Bones whispered, pressing the needle to his neck.

"Bones… Bones…" he tried to pull away but Spock was too strong.

"Shhhh, shhh, easy… its OK, Jimmy, I have to give you this, OK. Shhhh," Bones gently stroked his face with a thumb, trying to sooth him. He hated hurting him like this, it broke his heart.

"Pike…" Jim whimpered a tear slide down Spock's cheek. Bones gently rubbed his forehead, dabbing the sweat away with a wet cloth. The sedative worked, and he snuggled like an infant against Bones's chest, putting his head on his shoulder. He was so comfortable, and warm, he almost forgot Pike was gone. Bones smiled sadly, listening to his friend's breathing, and watching as he cuddled like a puppy into his chest.

"There ya go…." He patted his blond hair soothingly. It was the only way that he could let him know he was safe, no danger, with his friends.

"Shhhhh, just sleep Jimmy, I know the weight of what happened seems insane now, but it will get better…." They arrived back, and Bones had arranged to have Kirk moved to sick bay. He would rather him be safe in something familiar, in his own bed but he also needed to treat him medically.

"There we go…" Spock and the doctor laid him down, and Bones took another reading. Spock gently held his hand, he knew Kirk didn't want to be here, but it couldn't be helped.

"Shhhh, we're here, we have you," Bones gently felt his pulse, as not to scare him; he was too fragile and broken to be set back.

"Spock, keep him calm… I'm gonna have to cath him to monitor his electrolytes until he's better…" the Vulcan nodded, and sits by Jim's side while waiting for Bones.

"Hhhmmmm me…. Slewurp…"

"Shhhh, hush… I am here, I am here with you, Jim. I will always be here…" Spock put his head down and stroked his cheek. He hoped with all the love in the world that his human mind would allow Jim was having some form of pleasant dreams. If any…

"Commander," Spock turned and saw Admiral Marcus and a few other high officers.

"Admiral, please… Can you not see Captain Kirk is in a state of extreme grief." His voice flat, but an anger surged inside the Vulcan he had never experienced.

"I have never seen a Captain so heartbroken…"

"I am aware, Admiral." Spock uses every Vulcan fiber he has to stay calm. He puts a hand on Jim's head, checking his fever.

"He was Pikes only child in a sense," Spock nodded, he laid his hand on Jim's chest, checking his heartbeat.

"Never saw a cadet so heartbroken…" again Spock nodded.

"Then why did everyone find it strange, Captain Pike took the cadet in?" he had never come to Kirk's defense before, and he felt OK doing so. He knew the two were close before he and Jim knew of one another at all.

"Pike has his reasons." Spock didn't press it, he was too emotional over his best friend's condition.

"He is who we all remember commander, never saw a cadet cry over an instructor like that. Never…"

"Thank you for your concern Admirals." Spock turned his attention back to Jim. He fretted over his Captain, cleaning his eyes off, cooling his face with a rag.

"Why were they here," Bones came back in, prepping the catheter.

"You really want the answer to that query, Dr?"

"No… Damn nosy busy bodies…." Spock agreed, they had no right to inquire about such a bond and specially since Pike had to fight to keep Jim on many occasions. In addition to feeding him, giving him safety, and love when he craved it. Bones finished prepping the tubes as they talked.

"OK, Spock just keep him still, I can't get this thing in and he's gonna be restless and cranky.. plus it's not really comfortable." The Vulcan nodded, and held Kirk's head still.

"Just don't hurt him… Or try if you can…." Bones took the tube, and began the delicate process. Jim was thee little brother he never had, and he hated hurting him like this.

"Jimmy.. Jimmy, shhhh, shhhh w're here…" Kirk in sleep delirium thrashed his head. Spock held it still so he was struggling against the Vulcan's strength.

"Shhhh, its almost over… I'm almost there…"

"Pike…. Pike come back to me… Save me! They won't let me go!" Bones pulled the tube down by the bed, and brushed the sweat from his forehead. Spock bent down and held Jim's hand.

"Jimmy, he's gone…" Bones in a state of fear and pain for his friend got into bed with their Captain.

"hey, I'm here and Spock's here… You are not alone, I promise, we will never leave you. You will always have us…" Bones wrapped an arm around him.

"Commander," Spock turned and saw one of the high officers, he was taking a break from everything. Not that Vulcans tire, but this situation was unique.

"Thank you for your consideration," Spock, in all his exhaustion was being reserved.

"Admiral says it was something with Kirk…"

"Yes…" Spock thought back to these days and being there to sooth, and treat his beloved friend in his grief.

"It was… beautiful." The officer nodded, Spock let his guard down and shared what he saw.

"He wanted to have Admiral's pin, and so we got it off… Then I made sure he was fed and good for the service. He went in alone, and…"

"Jim put something in Chris's casket….?"

"Yes, it was his own pin, and he wanted Captain to have that, and he put in a note that he had written telling him of his love and devotion. He put the pin on the note…"

"That must've been something commander…"

"Yes, it was quite a moment," Spock looked back towards Kirk's room, needning to be back with his friend.

"He seemed so distraught, I saw him… He was crying on your shoulder, then he would switch to Dr. McCoy," Spock nodded, he didn't want to have that moment in his memory for too long.

Kirk woke up with Bones curled up on him, the warmth soothed the anguished Captain of his pain. He took out his PADD and opened a new sheet, he had written a lot in therapy, and knew this would help somewhat.

_I am sitting here in a bed at sick bay, and you are not here to hold my hand or yell at the nurses. I read a new thing about the grief in cadets and it is said they are cool. I am not cool, and it will never be OK with me._

_ Spock and Uhura are here, and they have been great to talk to. They asked me to speak at the memorial; I can tell you I was not even coherent to say a singl word. I thanked them graciously, and said it was even honorific, but I simply could not do it. I also released a statement to the international press after everything happened. God bless that secretary in the mail room. _

_**Captain James T. Kirk is too sick and overcome with grief to comment on the murder of his teacher, and friend Captain Christopher Pike. He will be speaking on it at a later date. Please respect the Captain and his crew's privacy at this tragic time. **_


	8. Come Back To Me

**Come Back to Me**

**PG13**

"You're writing again," Kirk nodded he knew he couldn't get on a ship without seeing his therapist.

"I was very moved by your statement," Kirk nodded again, he wanted to get off the grond and this was the only way how.

"Tarsus was easy compared to this, I mean…" his head was realing from what had happened, and everything they had to do.

"Never thought you'd say that…" Dr whispered, Jim looked away. Tarsus was just a thing to survive and then when it was don he could move on. In retrospect it made him a lot stronger.

"When you have others to look after, you have a will to live, plus the sick fucker adored me… I think that's how I kept them safe," he grinned, Dr Shay put an arm around him.

"Pike and you came full circle Jimmy, he saved you and you saved him.. Remember that."

"that's doesn't make me feel any better,"

"I know…"

"Some people have bonds for years and they never know how the other feels about them. You've known it forever…" Jim fet thee gentle hand rubbing his back softly, he fooled himself into thinking it was Pike.

"And this…" Jim fet himself being gently pulled down, his head on a pillow.

"is where you let me rub your head until you fall asleep." Jim was exhausted, he had been totally drained in every way of feeling. He truly felt nothing at this point. A screen was flipped on and he heard voices, they were the 23rd century's version of home movies.

_ "Spock.. Spock come here…" Kirk was running in the grass and trackled the Vulcan. Poor thing had no idea what was coming._

_ "Humans enjoy the ground very much…" Kirk rolled over him, and grinned madly. _

_ "OK.. Jimmy easy, we don't need any accidents here." Pike was talking and trying to sound firm. _

_ "Jim.. Jim… tell me what day it is…" Kirk smiled at the camera and waved, holding a cup of soda._

_ "Come on…" he grinned wider, putting a hand over his face._

_ "What day is it? I'm blank here…" Kirk shook his head._

_ "My first mission… without anyone to order me around…" _

_ "Well that will last long, until we get into a crisis," Bones grinned, and ruffled Jim's blond hair affectionately._

_ "Hey, we have a top CMO so we're all good." _

_ "Jim, Jim look at me," Kirk grinned, his profile trying to be serious. Pike was trying not be too annoying._

_ "Now you know what its like, Captain. When you have someone in front of you 24/7." Pike laughed._

_ "What the heckn are you filming, the thrusters…" Kirk laghed in annoyance and turned to face the camera._

_ "Making sure its all good…"_

_ "Where's your Science officer… Spock, come say hi…" the Vulcan turned and eyed the bizarre device._

_ "Spock, take care of my boy over there… Please make sure he doesn't get you ll killed." Spock looked exasperated and raised his eyebrows. _

_ "Come on! Uhura no more pictures… Save some for the planet we've gotta look at…" Kirk said trying to be serious._

"I have more," Dr. whispered into his ear, Kirk nodded. He was too empty to cry again. He had been crying for a week.

"there is one more, Chris asked me to save…' he gave Jim the chip. Kirk got up a slipped it into the player.

_ "He's asleep…" Pike whispered, he leaned over Jim who was curled up on the bed, a pillow around him. Pike gently sat down and gave him a kiss._

_ "Sleep well my little one, OK… I love you, I love you so much you will never be replaced by anyone Jimmy. I have not been happy to see what has happened to you, but I will always support you in whatever you do. You have survived, son, and that is something I am beyond proud of… I love you, my brave little cadet." He kissed him on the side of the head, whoever had the camera panned in on them. Pike softly began singing the same lullaby he always did, and soon the camera was off and they were both asleep. _


	9. Chapter 9

**After Effects**

**PG13**

**So yeah thanx to all the nasty comments I've been getting I am sooo close to just ending this! I never intended to make this a giant fic and everyone asked me to please continue so yeah, this is what I get. You guys who were cool, and normal that LET me answer your questions regarding chapters instead of hiding behind the computer, NOT allowing me to respond have ruined it for everyone else…. HOPE your happy! **

**To the 'Guest' who called me a mess of a writer, stop being a coward and let me respond! O wait u cant b cur a coward, that's right! U GROW UP!**

"Captain," Kirk sat up and commanede the door open. They were in flight, and there was something about being in the ship that calmed him. Must be a Captain thing.

"Spock, hi…" he stood and triwd to not be so depressed and down. After writing ten pages of thank you's to everyone around the world for their support, he needed a little himan contact.

"Are you OK?"

"Tired, just tired… Happy your here with me now," he gave him an affectionate pat. Spock sat down on the bed next to him.

"You called the international press?"

"Yeah… they were kinda bugging me and I needed to tell them about the happenings… They also wanted to give me their support, after everything."

"Your statement at the service was beautiful,"

"You did that Spock," Jim whispered, thinking back to that horrible day and how sick he was with grief.

"I am only sorry I could not do a meld than… I believe that greatly changed your thinking, and soothed you," Spock looked down.

"Those days are just a blur now." He felt the chip in his pocket. One that his therapist had given him that in preparation, he had not watched.

"Want to watch it with me?" he smiled gently, they both needed a real break now.

"If you should care to view it alone I completely-"

"Spock, watch it with me," he laughed for the first time in a while. It felt good.


	10. What Was on the Chip

**What Was On the Chip**

**PG13**

**Sorry I couldn't resist and if have you jerk comments to say don't waste your time!**

**To all the fans out there, I was listening to Alison Krauss's Baby Mine while writing this, and I couldn't stop crying…. **

"Ready?" Kirk whispered, he was so torn apart he had no more energy to cry. Spock gently put a hand on his shoulder as they sat together rubbing his back.

_ "Jim wake up…" Bones pulled the blankets of him and grinned. _

_ "Come on, get up!" he shook his best friend hard, and pushed him off the mattress, which he was barely on._

_ "Kirk, you're so in for it…" the camera turned to Pike, the Captain smiled and just shook his head._

_ "OK, fine… I'll just let Spock be Captain today when we go on the mission-" Kirk jumped up and looked shocked. Pike tried to stop laughing and failed. _

_ "IM UP IM UP!" Bones grinned and just started laughing long with Pike. The scene then changed and both Kirk and Spock had difficulty keeping it together._

_000000000_

_ "Jim I want you to know that the main thing about being on the ship has nothing to do with what you accomplish if it has nothing to do with the mission statement then its unimportant, and I want you to know the real meaning of Star Fleet is keeping peace within the galaxy, and If that is accomplished you have a successful mission. You are the best Jimmy, and I love you." Jim put his head down, hands covering his face to conceal the ocean of tears. Spock wrapped his arms around his Captain, his best friend. _

_ The following scene didn't help. It was the night Jim and the crew had gotten home, and Pike was sitting in his chair singing their lullaby, Jim's arms around his center. Pike was stroking his face gently, all the way up to his blond hair. Bones must have filmed that one for him, and never said anything. Pike gave him a kiss on the side of the head and the camera faded._

"Jim…" Spock said hoarsely, Jim was asleep on his shoulder from listening to the lullaby, in reality for the last time. he didn't see Bones standing on the other side of the bed.

"Shhhh," he slipped into bed on the other side, and cradled their friend in his arms. He took out a chip, and turned it on. Pike's soft voice came out singing their lullaby. Spock leaned over and gently induced a light meld. Pike's voice seemed to sooth all three of them. They had all loved him, and respected him. He had let Bones and Jimmy run amok on a ship Jim wasn't supposed to be on, he made Spock Acting Captain, and promoted a wayward, reckless God son to First Officer. Yes, he loved all of them deeply.

"I will retrieve him pajamas," Spock said in a breathy whisper. Bones nodded, giving Jim a kiss on the head. He put in another chip. The screen flashed to Sam cuddling with Pike, and George holding the camera. Winona was very pregnant, and Sam and Chris both patted the large form, and grinned. Bones had to hold in the silent sobs, with Jim asleep on his shoulder.

Jim slipped in and out of sleep in the days on the ship. He put Pike's pin on every morning and locked it away every night. Every night he whispered a good night to his Dad and Godfather. On those lonely nights he could almost feel Pike in his grip, those strong loving arms, all secure; how he missed that. Even when the villain was captured, he didn't feel any better at all. The only distraction was saving his crew from said lunatic villain.

He needed a project; he needed something to take his mind off of everything that had happened. A sexy blond wasn't going to do it this time, and he knew that. Every night they were home in California he would crawl into Spock's bed, or cuddle with one of Pike's uniforms. It was late one nigh when they were home on leave that he got his wish he had never uttered to a living soul.

"Captain…" Jim turned from the closet, and saw what was something that would make most people think they were hallucinating. He stepped back on one foot in shock.

"You… You…" he couldn't handle it, and ran to him in three steps, and flung his arms around him, happy tears made their way down his face.

"Shhhhh, my baby boy, shhhhhh," the soft sobs still coming from his Godson were ones he had never heard before… The joy in his heart was overwhelming.

"How… How long…" Jim croaked out, starting to shake, he knew he wouldn't have much time.

"Not much little one…" he felt his Godchild hold him even tighter, he smiled giving him a kiss on his soft blond hair. He laid Jim on the bed, still cradling him in his arms, safe and secure.

"It hurts to not have you here…" tears started again in Jim's cerulean eyes. He felt his Godfather brush them away gently.

"I know, baby… But this has brought you, and Spock closer, and you took in Carol, right… Jimmy you saved our girl, all on your own… I am so proud of you, angel and I love you more than you could imagine…" Kirk nuzzled his nose against the flesh. He felt Pike's warm breath in his ear.

"I will always be with you, and remember the one thing that distance can never, ever, ever take from us?" Jim looked up, still teary eyed.

"I… Ummmmm…"

"our dreams, I will always be in your dreams… I'll talk to you there, and you and I can take walks, and play at the beach… Do not be sad, my Jimmy, my beloved Godson… You could not have made me more proud, and I Love you more than anything in the Universe…" tears spilled out from Kirks eyes, and he held him more fiercely than before.

"papa…"

"Yes, my love?"

"You were with me.. When I kicked everything back in…" Pike nodded, smiling through happy tears.

"So proud…" his Godfather whispered, kissing him on the forehead. Again they both sobbed, Kirk grabbed a piece of his hair, desperate for contact; their faces touched, and the last thing he felt was his Papa giving him a kiss, and holding him tight.


	11. Soften the Blows

**Soften the Blows**

Kirk leaned against the window of the ship. Two years, his beloved Captain was gone for two years. he was selfish and angry and hurting… he needed a good cry, but he couldn't. it wasn't coming up and out of his eyes this time…

He held the uniform close to him. Space travel had preserved the scent; the last thing that disappears from one you love.

"Papa…" he whispered, looking into the abyss of darkness around him. They came now, the tears and sobs and the pain… footsteps made him turn.

"T'hy'la…" was all Spock had to say, he was in his arms in a second. His body wracked with agony, as if it had just happened… The Vulcan guided them to the floor, and held him in his strong arms, rocking him close.

" 'tis alright, my beautiful boy… Shhhh, it is alright… I am here, I am here with you, shhhh." Spock rocked him some more, and whispered loving words in Vulcan. Jim loved hearing him speak his native tongue. It was so, so beautiful. The Vulcan rocked him gently, Kirk always felt like a baby being soothed in Spock's arms; he was so strong, so loving, he was his everything. Some nights he'd slip into his quarters, and lay on his belly, listening to his heart.

The Vulcan's love soothed him, and kept him safe. The pain would never leave, but Spock had him; warm and safe. Their love was beyond something physical. They had each other's minds, and that was more than anything.

"He's still out of it…" Bones whispered, scooping the exhausted body from Spock's arms. They had all expected this. The Vulcan merely nodded, following him into Jims quarters locking the door behind him.

Once vitals, blood, and readings were done, Bones whispered a good night, and he slipped out letting the Vulcan sooth and love his t'hy'la. He wondered sometimes if Pike's death had made the pair even closer… it had to, Bones hoped. The media had done an almost perfect job of capturing Pike's love for his little one, and there was something soothing about reaching the footage.

Jim snuck into his room some mornings and they played them; before Khan's attack, before Jim and Bones graduated, and watched a bond form between Pike and his Godson. There was a beauty to it, watching those tapes. Bones even found writing in Jim's Captain log

_It's a sunny day here in CA/just got back from this blue planet with mini animals/I love you Papa, give my Dad a hug for me/Spock beat me at chess tonight REMATCH_

_ "I never saw a Captain so close to a cadet…" Archer had been the first to give a statement._

_ "He was constantly with him, he taught him warp early and he never left him for a minute.. Where ever Kirk was he was always right there…"_

_ "What breaks my heart is… part of doing this attack sequence was he was gonna get the chance to fly with Pike in his ship… He never had the chance to because to the Nerada attack when Jim was a third year… And I'm telling you, they would have been amazing, and Jim would have had such an experience…" _

Bones would play back the holos when Jim was asleep, in order to help his beloved Captain sleep better.

_ "Uncle Chris, we can go to a planet like this…" a blue planet that looked like an Earth with just the water. _

_ "What starship would we use, pumpkin?" _

_ "A big one… Not the little one." Jim grinned, and held up a model of the Kevin. _

_ "That ones too small, buddy… Could we all fit in there?" _

_ "No, no too small…" Jim climbed on his lap, some things never changed…_


	12. Grounding

**Grounding**

Jim fell out of the shuttle as they docked into the hanger. Bones helped support him, and Spock was close behind.

"I'll get him, thanks guys…" Archer slipped his arms around Kirk just as the blond went to sleep standing up.

"Come on, there we go… you're OK, we have you…" Bones heard the doors hiss open, and they slipped into the turbo lift to the quarters.

"Bed down, nd he's all set…" Bones nodded, and absently started undressing the hospital gown, removing the dirty socks. Archer closed the blinds, and the room glowed a soft yellow, as the lights were drawn down. The walls were decorated in large blow up pictures of Pike. Archer smiled at the new decorations around Kirks room.

"Jimmy…" Bones said gently trying to push im back down to sleep. He saw Kirk look in every direction, at his new friends greeting him. There was one over the bed, one on the door, another one on the wall b the dresser, and even hologram on the ceiling.

"I love it." He smiled; Archer nodded and kissed him on the forehead. They dressed Kirk gently, and tucked him in, giving extra kisses, and loves.

Bones sighed as they stood in the hallway… it had been a hell of a mission.

99999999999999

Jim slipped into unconsciousness. It was deliberate, and it was real. He never felt so safe.

"Jimmy," he turned over, Dr. S was there with Admiral Archer.

"Son, we need to talk," he glared at his Godfather's friend, and sat up. This could not be good.

"Jim, you need therapy, OK… This is not going to help anything, Bones drugging you up. I'm scared to put you back on a ship," Jim looked at the ceiling annoyed. Archer put a hand on his shoulder.

"Just give us a minute," he said, Dr. took the hint and left the room. Archer slipped into bed with the prodigy.

"They have a group for cadets who lost family in the attacks…"

"Admiral, no, he is mine and my grief is between him and me; not some fucking public affair for the Academy-"

"Jimmy please, you're not aware of it because its inside you so long… OK, he wasn't supposed to die, buddy." Jim looked away. He sat up slowly, Archer followed; the Admiral got down in front of him like a small child putting hands on his beautiful face.

"Look at me," he whispered, Jim did; he was the last one left that would love Jim for him only.

"Its OK… its gonna be OK, baby," the dam of tears broke, and he held him hard. The pain that had been suppressed was now open.

"I don't wanna be alone," he said through tears. Archer sighed, feeling tears in his own eyes. Admiral helped him slide onto the floor. It felt so good to be in someone's arms again. Archer had een at Jims birthday party when he was three with Chris, and they had gotten him his first PADD. They had both told him how much his Dad loved him, and would be so proud of him…

Like so many times, he felt himself fall asleep in someone's lap… it felt so wonderful and safe.

"Jimmy, you still there, angel?"

"Admiral…" came the drowsy, sleepy reply. Archer grinned, and gave him a kiss on the forehead.

"Yeah baby? Its OK, I have ya, I'm not going anywhere," Archer could kill his friend and George for dying. He really was all this kid had left… God damn it!

The broken Captain buried his face in Archer's uniform. Archer had been the best hide and seek player when he was a little boy.

"Pike got ya through Tarsus, and Daddy's death; I'll get ya through this," he breathed. He needed to show Jim strength in face of an impossible situation.


	13. Weary

**Weary**

**Rating: T+**

Kirk held Dr.'s hand as they made their way to the detox area. he was so nervous he was almost shaking. Having a Pike related human there was soothing to him.

They had done blood, temperature, and vitals on hm fast so no one saw everything.

"There we go…" he was gently pushed down and laid on the bed.

"I'm going to put you to sleep, OK pumpkin, I'll be by to check vitals again later. Then we can try and get some food in you," Kirk didn't let go of his hand. Dr. smiled, and lifted him onto his chest, soothing him with the beat of his heart.

"I love you," came the whisper from the young Captain.

"I love you too, baby. Everything will be OK." He felt Jim give him a kiss, as I f to say OK.

"will you stay until I fall asleep…" Kirk whispered back, Dr. held him tighter; he could not imagine how frightening this was for the poor thing.

/

"You're OK, you're OK," he heard words but ho was talking, he had no idea…

"We have you, baby. I promise nothing bad will happen to you," wait, was that Bones. God please let it be Bones.

"Vitals good, he just needs a lot of rest," OK, not Bones. DAMN! Whoever it was, was stroking his face gently.

"Thanks, I'll hold him a bit." His therapist whispered. Again, arms scooped him up. Instinctively he put his arms around his neck. He felt a warm hand cup his face. The other hand was rubbing his back gently; it could have been Pike.

He was spinning into something, falling, falling…. No, it was just the spoon in his mouth. Soup, or broth whatever it was.

"Someone was starving, why didn't you tell me…"

"Didn't…. did…" he couldn't even speak, he was probably on three different drugs.

" know…. You forgot, huh? Better not make a habit of that one." More broth into his mouth again. Why did ths taste familiar?

"This isn't from the can ya know? You remember who made this for you and Sam when you both came back wet from the river…" Kirk almost felt like crying. It couldn't be…

"Yeah, you know… Its not hard as you think, he just liked to overdue the stock." Dr. smiled, thinking of the memory when the three had lived on soup for three days after being stuck in the officers' quarters because of an earthquake warning.

"There we go…" Kirk knew this wasn't going to be as bad as he thought. Dr. S, Admiral Archer… they had both lost their friend, God if his father was alive….

Jim didn't want to think about it. It'd be like losing Spock for him.


	14. Taking Care of the Captain

**Taking Care of the Captain**

**Rating: T+**

There was a sense of emotion and fear in Kirk as he made his way down the hallway. It was like being in some kind of jail. Safer, but still…

"Come on, you're OK…" he felt Dr. slide his arm around him, and he was grateful for the protection.

"Here," he handed him his comm link.

"this one is general, and this one is for emergencies; I expect them to be overused, Captain." He stared deep into the cerulean eyes.

"OK, I promise." He small kiss on his forehead made him tingle with love and grce at the same time.

88888888888888888888

"Hi Jim," he grinned, and felt a gentle arm around him. It was Dr.'s friend from his detox.

"Did anyone ever tell you, that you and Pike have the same look," he said with a smile.

"No, you're the first," he raised an eyebrow. Rehab was a very gentle thing, maybe it would help him slow down. He felt his new friend place hands on his shoulders, rubbing gently.

"Everything will be OK, I promise you. I can only imagine the pain you went through, but we'll take good care of you. That, and your therapist will have my head…" Jim smiled, Pike, and anyone around him was protective.

_You're my new chief_

_ Ears burning_

_ Your boyfriend's second guessing me every chance he gets_

That mission flooded his head every day, and the words were coming like a title wave. Except now it was like a stereo you couldn't turn off.

"You kept your personal connection to him private," the girl next to him raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, that was essential because… if…"

"Its OK, Jimmy. Let it out, you're safe,"

"If I let myself get emotional I would have killed us, blown up his ship, and probably destroyed the planet."

"But that didn't help you heal," the blond whispered, why was she pressing this? What the hell was he going to say to that?

"What am I supposed to say to that," he raised an eyebrow in response. If anyone else brought up his godfather he was going to walk out of here!

"You OK?" he turned over in bed and saw Dr. S coming to check up on him.

"Yup, whose the blond xeno in my group?" he asked, sitting up. Dr. sat down in front of him.

"She lost three cousins in the Nurada attacks, USS Faragot."

"Oh, rough…" Jim whispered. Dr. held his hand gently.

"I have a present for you." Jim smiled.

"Its not Dad's death day," he laughed, Dr. grinned wider and motioned for him to come into the hallway. Standing there were his Uncle RJ and Auntie Lizzie, Pike's brother and sister.

"Oh man! You guys," he ran fully speed to them both. It felt like he was hugging his Papa again; it felt so wonderful.

"You… My baby boy all grown up," Pike's older sister rubbed his cheek. He grinned and held her tighter.

"We love you," his uncle RJ whispered, Jim held them both and felt happy tears I his blue eyes for the first time in years.

6666666666666

"He was screaming when I got there, 'Papa, I don't want to live without you, take me with you' " Lizzie Pike was telling the therapist and friend she had known for ten years.

"I wasn't screaming,"

"Yes you were, baby. I tried to hold you bt it didn't work. When uncle Archer got there, you went back into the morgue twelve times, hugging him, and kissing him. We stayed as logng as you wanted to."

"Well then I have a brain tumor because its blank."

"You blocked it out, angel because you wanted Harrison dead." Uncle RJ reminded him.

"That's normal," Kirk said, standing up, and walking over to the pictures of Pike with him when he was little. He loved looking at them, they were soothing.

"We wanted to talk to you about the insignia on the plaque." Jim perked up, this he could talk about.

"Honey bear, we were thinking _Beloved Brother, Father, and Godfather_" his aunt grinned, she couldn't say anything else because her nephew had her in a bruising hug.

"Papa…" then in a split second, he was reduced to a crying child. As if the reality had just come to him now… Elizabeth Pike held her nephew, and let him cry; that was all she could do.


	15. After Effects

**After Effects**

**Flashback sequence from when they take away Pikes body. Appearances by: Archer, Spock, Bones, and Nona. There's no info on Pike's family and its driving me CRAZY!**

Elizabeth Pike gently held her nephew, and thought of the scene that had played out after her brother's murder (no one was allowed to say death in front of James). Her heart broke, staring at the beautiful face, sandy blond hair, and innocence that was stolen from him.

"That day… I will never forget that day as long as I live…" she had said in a statement, she had pushed her own grief aside to take care of her nephew.

/

"ADMIRAL!" Bones came running into the room. He was met by Admirals Archer, and Blackwell; Jim was on the other side with Admiral Archer hysterical.

"_I want to see him, uncle Archer please…" _Bones stopped in fear, he had never heard Jim so hysterical, it wasn't human.

"OK… OK, Jimmy we'll go do that. Angel you need to calm down," he felt Kirk's racing pulse, he was about to collapse. Bones flew to them in ten seconds.

"Jimmy, let me scan you, OK, just try and breathe." He scanned him, his breathing was nonexistent and his heart rate was off the charts. Spock came over to the doctor.

"I have never seen him like this…" Archer slipped an arm around Jim, and they made their way into where Pike was.

/

"I love you, I love you so much…" Jim whispered, tears streaming down his dirty cheeks. Archer was in shock, God this was like the Kelvin all over again.

"I hope I made you proud, Papa… I'm sorry about the last mission and disappointing you…" Archer went to him, and slipped his arms around his Captain/nephew.

"He was not angry Jimmy, OK, he was angry they took her away from you… He was angry at Marcus, not you son," Jim put his head down, and kissed his mentor/father/Godfather.

"not me?' God he sounded like a child.

"No baby, not you… I was there, he slammed Marcus, and said as your advisor he has seen nothing but the best, you are a genius, and you saved Earth from Nero… He was livid that they took her from you," Archer gently rubbed his shoulders, as Jim stroked Pike's charcoal hair.

"Captain, Admiral," Spock came in and surveyed the horrific scene… Kirk not letting go of his beloved Papa and Archer was in shock.

"Jim," he said softly. Kirk didn't even look up. He was touching his Captain, and stroking him, holding his lifeless hand. Winona Kirk appeared next to the science officer, along with Admiral Marcus.

"Jim," he looked up, tears streaming down his cheeks. His mother approached the other side of the bed. She had lost her husband, and now his best friend too.

"Dear God, not again," she whispered, Jim wasn't listening. He was touching every inch of his Godfather. He took into memory the lines of his face, his half white hair, the soft, rugged hands. He kissed him on the forehead a few times, craving the contact like Pike did to him so many nights.

"Mom… Mom… Dad's with him," Jim said, tears in his voice. Winona Kirk, looked at her son, and just sobbed. Marcus put an arm around her gently. Jim grabbed Archer's hand, squeezing it tight. Bones appeared in the doorway, Jim went over to him.

"Fix his wounds, Dr. McCoy," Jim had probably called him that six times snce they met. Bones just nodded.

He would be damned if his Godfather would have a closed casket service, from a monster that had murdered almost all of Star Fleet. He walked out to the quarters, and locked himself in the dark apartment, sobbing.


	16. Love You Forever

**Love You Forever**

"It gets easier," Kirk looks at the blond on his left, and the other xeno to the right. He has no idea what to tell them.

"No it doesn't, you had to go into seclusion," the blond hisses at him. OK, try another way. he is used to having all the answers.

"Listen, its not the same-"

"You have Spock,"

"He's not the same, he's my partner not my father… he was with him at the end not me.. I wouldn't have handled that, it would have killed me too."

"But you have them," he think she means the _Enterprise_.

"You still think of him," the therapist says, she is so gentle and he has no right to be a jerk now.

"Every minute of the day, when I'm in the sky, on the bridge… Making love to Spock, he's never not in my head…"

"You're not sad all the time? even when happy things come up,"

"Most of the time I start laughing, or if someone makes the same mistakes I did, I'll hear him yelling at me and smile." She nods at him, he's trying to cooperate here.

"You still have the pictures up?"

"Of course," he smiles.

"Is that hard?"

"No, I like seeing him the first thing in the morning, and he's the last thing I see when I go to sleep at night…" tears brim Kirks blue eyes. A soft hand is on his shoulder, Archer. Kirk gets up, and in one motion wraps his arms around him.

" Come on, we're taking puppy for a walk," Scotty id there complete with beagle. He jumps from the Captain to his crewmate.

"Jim, shhhhh, ts OK…" he is never so happy to see someone from the ship in his life.

/

"I remember hearing something from Admiral Barrett, that when you were little, like three and four Captain Pike would have you wrapped in a veil," Jim was meeting with one of Dr.'s counterparts, she was blond like Carol and gentle.

"Yeah, he and Mom talked to Admiral Blackwell and they thought since people loved Dad so much, uncle Chris said I should be covered when I was at Star Fleet; so people wouldn't bug me…"

"Well you were four," she smiles, he takes a candy from the dish on her desk and starts to play with the wrapper.

"He didn't want people to say the wrong thing, and have me feel bad. Plus he and Mom didn't want to answer the hard questions,"

"Like…"

"How did Dad die? Why is uncle Chris and Mom so sad when its my birthday?"

"That will do it," she raised an eyebrow. Kirk nodded, and continued playing with the candy.

_He was stolen from me _Kirk thought, looking into the deep blue sky. God how he wished he and Spock could read each others minds.


	17. AN Re: Last Review

**OK, I cant believe I'm even talking about this crap, and even going this far to explain myself on this one… It's just kind of NUTS that I have another rev. Connie1997 that is NOT allowing me to explain myself. I cannot respond to u bc u clearly don't give a shit what my reasoning is. Some ppl on the site just want to be NASTY and its not becoming. **

**During the early days of TOS, people in film/TV could not talk about child abuse or psychotherapy. It was not allowed until the 1970's when a miniseries called Sybil came out. THAT is why Tarsus is in ONE ep. And we NEVER hear what he went through while there BECAUSE it was never discussed! He could have been raped, tortured, beaten, starved, but we'll never know. And we have no idea what role Pike played in his life prior, if he knew his parents etc. the creator never goes into that. **

**Trauma is a deep thing, and if he did not care about Pike he wouldn't have been sobbing his eyes out laying on his dead body. Psychiatric trauma can come out much later in all different ways. I fucked up on the timeline of events, and have been meaning to change it, but haven't had time bc of school. **

**OK, soooooooo all u mean people out there, SATISFIED! "change the names' give me a fucking BREAK! **


	18. Spock Talks

**Spock Talks**

**Rating:T+**

"Commander, thanks for doing this," Spock nodded.

"You are welcome,"

"Jim was hysterical at the end was he not?"

"It was so hard to see.. He kept screaming, 'Papa, please come back to me, I can't do this without you…' It was so sad to see that… "

"Jim visited Pike's open casket?"

"The night prior to the memorial, we were to view the body. No one except me, Jim, Nyota went to see it."

"Jim put something in Pike's casket?"

"He had written a note, and he wanted Captain to have that note,"

"Where was it put?"

"Next to him in the casket. And I was overjoyed that he had closure, because he did not have that after the massacre…"

"And James wanted to speak?"

"Yes.. I believe it was Admiral Archer that was talking, and he said to me, 'Can I go on now and say something about Captain Pike?' and I thought that was a wonderful idea because he is the only one that can truly convey what his, his everything was to him, and the crew."

"He seems different now,"

"Yes, I believe treatment has done him a lot of good.."

"You see Admiral in him, do you not?"

"Yes, especially on the bridge."

Spock looked down at the warm human wrapped around him. He was dressed in his sweats, and Pike's shirt from the Academy decades ago. God, he was so weak and so vulnerable… Even at this time.

OoOoooooOOOoOo

Kirk's whole body shook with rage, and anger in one motion. The tower of pillows were stacked about the room. He felt gentle hands on his shoulders.

"Go ahead little one, let it all out." Archer whispered gently, he knew what he was thinking. He watched as his nephew slammed into the plushes and took a stick, and beat them to the ground one by one. Hearing his screams of anger that had been so hidden was soothing to the Star Fleet Captain.

"You're OK, you're OK… I gotcha, its OK…" he felt the soft arms of his best friend, and confidant Bones around him.

"_He stole him from me… HE STOLE HIM FROM ME Bones…_" his body shook with anger, as the doctor and Archer held him. They laid him on the floor, Bones checking vitals.

"Shhhh, shhhhh, we have you its OK…" Archer gently started rocking him, it felt so familiar, so much like his beloved Pike. Archer leaned against the wall and stood up with Jim cradled in his arms.

"Keep him upright in case he throws up…" Bones was in MD mode now.

"OK, come on little one… here we go…" Archer cooed into a free ear.


	19. Timid

**Timid**

"Its OK, see he's alight," Kirk could swear he heard someone talking, as he lay cocooned in the many blankets in his room.

"What's…" he stopped when he made out the blurry form of Chekov, who was clinging to Spock for dear life.

"Hey little one, come to visit me?" he whispered gently, he held out his arms, and Jim scooped him up.

"Hey there… you're OK, I got ya, that's it… shhhh, that's a good boy, wanna snuggle here for a bit? Yea…. I'm here now, shhhh," he gave him a g kiss on the forehead.

"I hmmm," the oyugest Star Fleet member whimpered, Jim shushed hm and held him tighter.

The little guy fell asleep in Jim's arms, safe and secure. For the first time in rehab, he completely forgot about Pike. For ten seconds he didn't think about his beloved Godfather.

All his attention was on the little bundle in his lap, breathing labored as he held his beloved Kirk. Jim saw what he was to the kid, and how he needed to stay strong for him, and the crew.

He felt Bones rubbing his head gently. He then knew the medic was taking over, attempting to fill Pike's shoes in an impossible situation; God how had he come to that idea. Jim had no clue what was going on.

He lay there with Chekov in his arms, and Bones rubbing his head, and knew they would always be there to love him.

"You're OK little one…" Jim whispered, holding him close, rubbing his hair. He had to take care of this kid… he lay there and let Bones sooth him; sometimes you didn't need words at all. Bones was handed a drink, and gently with minding the ensign in Kirk's lap, fed Jim like a newborn. The only human to do that when he was sick was Pike or uncle Archer…

"Shhhh, I have you… I have you, its OK… Poor baby you're exhausted, huh?" Bones whispered tenderly. He out the empty bottle on the floor, and started singing to his heart broken Captain.

"Hush little baby don't say a word…" Bones had talked to Archer and they had both seen this as a logical thing to do. It wasn't hard for Bones at all.


	20. The Blanket

**The Blanket**

Kirk loved the warm feelings that hit him when he woke up every morning. There was always someone there, siting with him: Bones, Spock, Chekov, everyone. He almost felt a little lucky to have his therapist with him in treatment; it made him feel safe.

Some mornings Dr. would even come in and snuggle with him before morning meeting. On special days they would watch the sun come up over the Golden Gate.

"I have a special present from Santa Barbara," he smiled, gently holding his little one tight.

"Its… its babush," Jim smiled wide, and hugged the yellow mop to his cheek. Dr. grinned, and gave him a kiss.

"uncle RJ found him in Papa's desk…" Jim raised an eyebrow. There was his story for group morning.

/

All through the session with Dr. Shay he held the blanket. In the dorm room, he had hid it from everyone thinking they'd call him weird. But here it was acceptable, and soothing.

The only time Pike ever hit him was when he was thirteen, and had run away. His mother would call his Godfather, and cry hysterical. Jim had been hiding in a dark shuttle stop, which had long been abandoned. He knew what he was doing though. It was the only way he could get attention from anyone.

"JIM!" he heard not his mom, but his Godfather. Great.

"uncle Chris…" he whimpered, he started shaking, now he was really in trouble. He was so thin he had no problem being scooped up. Pike knelt down, and gave him a swat right on the cheek.

"Shhhshhhh, come here, baby…" arms around his Godfather, he cried and wept uncontrollably. Pike just sat on the dark Iowa soil, and held his Godson in his lap.

"Oh dear God… Jimmy, you scared the living hell outta me,: he breathed, he rocked his little one gently in his lap. He wrapped the yellow mop around his hurting Godson.

"I… I thought I lost babush…" Jim whispered through tears, clinging to Pike and the blanket. They had fallen asleep holding each other, on the dirt of the vacant shipyard.


End file.
